Distinctions make knowledge powerful

My mother can make wonderful bread following a good recipe. My grandmother can make better bread without a recipe, with practically any ingredients, and with almost any heat source. The difference is that my grandmother simply has more bread-making distinctions than my mother.

Watermelon

A watermelon farmer can tell you how to pick a ripe and tasty watermelon. With the farmer’s knowledge, it will take you all day to pick out 25 good watermelons from a field of 1,000. The farmer can pick out 50 good one’s from the same field in 10 minutes. The difference is distinctions.

The coach’s role

The coach has two tasks; supporting the coachee in coming up with innovative action opportunities, and encouraging action with a “by when” due date earlier, rather than later.

Where do distinctions come from?

You get critical-to-performance distinctions from experiences along the road from where you are today, to where you want to be in the future. Using our example above, grab the watermelon that looks best to you, cut it open and taste it. Repeat, observe, repeat, etc. The effective coach facilitates this process. You won’t be perfect, but you will be moving forward.

Staying in the question about what will work best

Certainty may stall action. For example, if you are certain that something won’t work, why would you keep looking at it? A coach can accelerate the development of distinction by helping the coachee generate creative solutions and strategies and not get stuck in false certainties.

It is nearly impossible to eat sour watermelon for very long

No matter how bad the first watermelon tastes, you will learn something. The more you and the organization like to eat sweet watermelon, the more important it is to tolerate a few sour watermelons, from time to time, while your people develop their distinctions. As the distinction set grows, it becomes almost impossible to pick a sour watermelon.

Putting the 17 pitfalls in context

Performance leadership is the combination of leadership and coaching. Leadership establishes what we call an opportunity gap between today, and what we desire at some time in the future. Coaching is the art of getting, and keeping, people in innovative action to fill that gap.

Easy to say, and often wickedly hard to do, in real life.

Avoiding the 17 pitfalls

Coaching, in our opinion, is a key skill in achieving performance in any organization. Developing the skills to avoid the 17 pitfalls of coaching is a vital ability for leaders in high-performance organizations.

The 17 Pitfalls of Coaching
1. Not establishing what’s so. Done.
2. Not asking “What’s possibly missing.” Done.
3. Not operating out of the coachee’s occurring. Done.
4. Attempting to coach into no demand. Done.
5. Giving advice versus asking questions. Done.
6. Making the session’s purpose to advance the coach versus the coachee. Done.
7. Not understanding what makes coachees perform. Done.
8. Not being in dialogue. Done.
9. Not using generative language. Done.
10. Not asking the “Do you think you can?” question. Done.
11. Not asking “What does that make possible?” Done.
12. Not being present. Done.
13. Not using the conversation wheel. Done.
14. Coaching the story. Done.
15. Drifting into solution instead of focusing on action. Done
16. Getting lost in knowledge instead of action. Done
17. Not helping the coachee gain distinctions.

The burden of knowledge

In 1990 Elizabeth Newton earned her Ph.D in psychology studying the burden of knowledge demonstrated in the “tappers and listeners” game.
50% or 2.5%?

People tapped out (knocking on a table) well-known songs, such as Happy Birthday to You. It was thought that listeners would correctly identify what they were tapping about 50 percent of the time. In reality, the listeners only guessed correctly 2.5 percent of the time.

Tapper trouble

The listeners couldn’t hear what was in the tappers head, so the tapping was indistinct and of almost no use in identifying the song.

Experience the music

The listener needed to experience the music the tappers were hearing in their minds to make the song distinct enough to identify the song in question.

Coach trouble

The coach often has lots of task-related knowledge. It is probably important and useful knowledge; it just isn’t as useful to the coachee as action is, in most cases. Knowledge, past a certain point, is often no more helpful than a bunch of noisy finger-tapping.

Source of water and everything else

All the knowledge in the world can’t help you get a cold sip of water on a hot day from a glass sitting inches from your hand. Only action will put that glass to your lips and give you a sip of the precious fluid. No amount of study will help you get a drink as much as a simple action. Pick up the glass and drink.

Another siren song

Like the siren song of solution, don’t choose the siren song of knowledge when you could choose the action of picking up that cold glass of water, and taking a long refreshing drink.

The song is loud

Your coachee will want to heed the siren call of knowledge just as you will. Coaching is about action. Sooner or later, we must all make peace with the fact that experience is the greatest teacher. Get just enough knowledge to be responsible, and then consider choosing action.

Putting the 17 pitfalls in context

Performance leadership is the combination of leadership and coaching. Leadership establishes what we call an opportunity gap between today, and what we desire at some time in the future. Coaching is the art of getting, and keeping, people in innovative action to fill that gap.

Easy to say, and often wickedly hard to do, in real life.

Avoiding the 17 pitfalls

Coaching, in our opinion, is a key skill in achieving performance in any organization. Developing the skills to avoid the 17 pitfalls of coaching is a vital ability for leaders in high-performance organizations.

The 17 Pitfalls of Coaching
1. Not establishing what’s so.
2. Not asking “What’s possibly missing.”
3. Not operating out of the coachee’s occurring.
4. Attempting to coach into no demand.
5. Giving advice versus asking questions.
6. Making the session’s purpose to advance the coach versus the coachee.
7. Not understanding what makes coachees perform.
8. Not being in dialogue.
9. Not using generative language.
10. Not asking the “Do you think you can?” question.
11. Not asking “What does that make possible?”
12. Not being present.
13. Not using the conversation wheel.
14. Coaching the story.
15. Drifting into solution instead of focusing on action.
16. Getting lost in knowledge instead of action.
17. Not helping the coachee gain distinctions.

The Siren Song of solution

In Greek mythology, a siren song refers to an appeal that is hard to resist, but that, if heeded, will lead to a bad result.

The Siren, by John William Waterhouse

Circa 1900

Coaching the siren song (or solution)

My son Alexander (age 15), wants to be a writer. If you ask him how he will become a writer, he will tell you that he will go to a good college and that that will make him a writer. While this probably makes a great deal of sense to many people, it is unlikely to make Alexander a good writer.

Do you know any college graduates who aren’t good writers?

I can coach Alexander about getting into college, paying for college, getting good enough grades to go to college, and so on. None of that will make him a better writer.

Alexander knows this drill

He hates it, but he knows it is true. According to his father (me), the only way to become a better writer is to…write. Get into action by picking up a pen and paper, organizing one’s thoughts and writing.

Action as opposed to “solution”

Coaching for an action, a step that an individual can take with a specific date for completion or accomplishment, is the best way we know of to move from the “what’s so” of today, to what is wanted tomorrow. By comparison, a solution is simply spinning in place.

Solution vs. action

A solution is the description of a possible end result. You can talk about it all day and not materially change your position, nor make tangible progress from the “what’s so” of today, to the “what’s wanted” in the future.

Like the siren song

The term, “solution,” feels good, but disappoints when it comes to results. An action, by contrast, can feel messy, and it requires a commitment to choosing an action by a specific date and time. Action isn’t always as psychologically satisfying in the moment, but sequential actions almost always yield better results. Actions rarely disappoint, in the long run.

Effective coaching and ear plugs

If you wish to avoid this seductive pitfall of coaching, you will need to put in your ear plugs when the conversation turns to solutions, and gently turn it towards action and commitment.

Putting the 17 pitfalls in context

Performance leadership is the combination of leadership and coaching. Leadership establishes what we call an opportunity gap between today, and what we desire at some time in the future. Coaching is the art of getting, and keeping, people in innovative action to fill that gap.

Easy to say, and often wickedly hard to do, in real life.

Avoiding the 17 pitfalls

Coaching, in our opinion, is a key skill in achieving performance in any organization. Developing the skills to avoid the 17 pitfalls of coaching is a vital ability for leaders in high-performance organizations.

The 17 Pitfalls of Coaching
1. Not establishing what’s so.
2. Not asking “What’s possibly missing.”
3. Not operating out of the coachee’s occurring.
4. Attempting to coach into no demand.
5. Giving advice versus asking questions.
6. Making the session’s purpose to advance the coach versus the coachee.
7. Not understanding what makes coachees perform.
8. Not being in dialogue.
9. Not using generative language.
10. Not asking the “Do you think you can?” question.
11. Not asking “What does that make possible?”
12. Not being present.
13. Not using the conversation wheel.
14. Coaching the story.
15. Drifting into solution instead of focusing on action.
16. Getting lost in knowledge instead of action.
17. Not helping the coachee gain distinctions.

Where do you want to build your house? In sand or on bedrock?

In an earthquake, a home built on sand or back-filled soil usually ends up looking like a pile of toothpicks. A home built on bedrock might have its shelves emptied and a crack or two in the masonry, but that will be about it.

Every time you coach you have a building location choice

As a coach, you have, like the builder, a choice of building on sand or bedrock. If you want a coaching session that gets to innovative action, your bedrock is “what’s so.”

Stories are great… except in coaching for action

Everyone loves a story for it’s power to convey an idea or concept. In coaching we want the firm foundation of what actions have occurred and what was said (internally or otherwise), and we don’t want anything else.

What’s so in the action paradigm?

All we do in this life, I would like to suggest, is move our bodies, speak and listen. This is the action paradigm. “What’s so” is just a report, as devoid of embellishment as is humanly possible, of what physical actions people took, and what conversations (internal or external) that occurred, in relation to the issue to be coached.

What’s so is the bedrock

The story (without any intent to mislead) is so full of embellishment that it does not provide a sufficiently solid foundation for coaching for action. If you don’t take time to get the “what’s so,” you are highly likely to both waste time and fail to get into the action that yields the desired results.

Alexander and the homework (story)

My 15-year old son needs to have a 3.5 GPA in high school in order to drive, according to his father. However, he does not have the required 3.5 GPA, and yet he wants to drive. That is his issue. He wants coaching from Dad about getting a 3.5. If I coach his story (which contains all the reasons that he doesn’t have a 3.5 GPA), it is unlikely that he will be driving any time soon. If I coach the “what’s so” (which happens to be that he doesn’t turn in homework on time), he probably will be driving next term.

Here is the key

When you get the issue out in the open during the coaching session, you have what is wanted. The next step is to get “what’s so.”

Getting what’s so is an art

If you just start with asking, “What did you say?” “What internal conversations did you have?” “What did you, or the others involved, actually do?”, you will be well on your way to getting the “what’s so” of the situation.

Your next step

Consider coaching the “what’s so,” instead of the story. It gets the coachee to action faster, and it helps them get to an action that can really move them forward.

Putting the 17 pitfalls in context

Performance leadership is the combination of leadership and coaching. Leadership establishes what we call an opportunity gap between today, and what we desire at some time in the future. Coaching is the art of getting, and keeping, people in innovative action to fill that gap.

Easy to say, and often wickedly hard to do, in real life.

Avoiding the 17 pitfalls

Coaching, in our opinion, is a key skill in achieving performance in any organization. Developing the skills to avoid the 17 pitfalls of coaching is a vital ability for leaders in high-performance organizations.

The 17 Pitfalls of Coaching
1. Not establishing what’s so.
2. Not asking “What’s possibly missing.”
3. Not operating out of the coachee’s occurring.
4. Attempting to coach into no demand.
5. Giving advice versus asking questions.
6. Making the session’s purpose to advance the coach versus the coachee.
7. Not understanding what makes coachees perform.
8. Not being in dialogue.
9. Not using generative language.
10. Not asking the “Do you think you can?” question.
11. Not asking “What does that make possible?”
12. Not being present.
13. Not using the conversation wheel.
14. Coaching the story.
15. Drifting into solution instead of focusing on action.
16. Getting lost in knowledge instead of action.
17. Not helping the coachee gain distinctions.

So where does performance really come from?
Performance, like everything else around us, starts as a conversation. No, I’m not kidding. Products, services, marriages; you name it. It all starts out as a conversation. Where else could it start out?
It didn’t come from a factory. It came from a conversation.
The fact that performance (as well as most of the things we see around us) originate from conversation, is the good news and the bad news. The catch is that, English is not always an exact language, nor an action language, according to J R Searle. When we communicate in English, it’s easy to end up with lots of talk and little action.

Conversations for action
Scientists have identified, analyzed and categorized the communications processes that lead to action. These processes came from conversations that led to some of the most remarkable innovations of the Twentieth Century. They’re represented by the conversation wheel, which you see below.

More about the wheel, itself, in a moment
I’ll get back to the conversation wheel in a moment, but first, let me tell you about the first innovation that resulted from the conversations represented by the wheel: It was the gas laser, whom some have said was a more revolutionary breakthrough than the atomic bomb.
When the members of the gas laser team were interviewed about the process they went through when they created it, they generally described the conversation wheel. Here’s what it means, in coaching terms:
Conversation #1: completion
When the coaching session first gets under way, the first order of business on the conversation wheel is completion. This concept simply means that any background conversations, questions, concerns, and so on, are set aside so they don’t distract from the session.
Conversation #2: relationship
Next is the relationship conversation. This is the state of affairs that exists between the coach and the coachee. In essence, these are the values common to both parties. Breaks in relationship must be repaired if anything substantial is to result.

Conversation #3: possibility
Conversation for possibility is simply a judgment-free brainstorming session of the various possibilities. Almost anything is possible. This is the phase where, if allowed, powerful innovation occurs.
Conversation # 4: opportunity
If I am going to die from heart failure in three to six months, and someone promises to get me a heart for transplant in nine months, that new heart is not an opportunity for me. Conversation for opportunity simply defines the possibilities as worthy of action or not.
Conversation #5: action
Once I have a set of opportunities, I can now have a conversation for action. This is the also the coaching conversation. Identify the outcomes from the actions that the coachee can take now. See an action and take it.
Conversation #6: clarity
Clarity can be useful — indeed vital — at any stage of the conversation. That’s why we have placed clarity at the hub of the wheel. Velocity (or progress) can be seriously impeded if clarity is not present.
By the way, although clarity was present in the gas laser team’s conversations, it was not initially recognized as such, by the researchers.
You have to know where you are on the wheel
Powerful coaches always know where they are on the conversation wheel, just like people climbing Mt. Everest usually know where they are on the mountain. Take the wrong action for your location, and you put the desired outcome at risk.
Using the conversation wheel in your coaching efforts will help you and the coachee know where you are, and what conversations make the most sense for what the coachee is trying to accomplish.
What parts of the conversation wheel help coaching performance?
In our experience, coaching is significantly derailed if the conversations for completion, relationship, clarity and action are not included in a coaching conversation.
Try it, we think you’ll like it.
Most people are delighted by the improvement in performance that they attain when they use the conversation wheel in their coaching.

Putting the 17 pitfalls in context

Performance leadership is the combination of leadership and coaching. Leadership establishes what we call an opportunity gap between today, and what we desire at some time in the future. Coaching is the art of getting, and keeping, people in innovative action to fill that gap.

Easy to say, and often wickedly hard to do, in real life.

Avoiding the 17 pitfalls

Coaching, in our opinion, is a key skill in achieving performance in any organization. Developing the skills to avoid the 17 pitfalls of coaching is a vital ability for leaders in high-performance organizations.

The 17 Pitfalls of Coaching
1. Not establishing what’s so.
2. Not asking “What’s possibly missing.”
3. Not operating out of the coachee’s occurring.
4. Attempting to coach into no demand.
5. Giving advice versus asking questions.
6. Making the session’s purpose to advance the coach versus the coachee.
7. Not understanding what makes coachees perform.
8. Not being in dialogue.
9. Not using generative language.
10. Not asking the “Do you think you can?” question.
11. Not asking “What does that make possible?”
12. Not being present.
13. Not using the conversation wheel.
14. Coaching the story.
15. Drifting into solution instead of focusing on action.
16. Getting lost in knowledge instead of action.
17. Not helping the coachee gain distinctions.

A friend of mine from high school ended up at Bell Labs, as a researcher. He was involved in the early days of video tele-conferencing. He told me that tele-conferencing would not likely fly as a viable alternative until the bandwidth was sufficient to allow people to read micro-eye movements.

Why do micro-eye movements matter?

Micro-eye movements are one of the ways that we — usually unconsciously — tell if the person we are talking to is present in our conversation. They also help us gather other useful information, such as whether the other person is telling the truth, and so forth.

If they’re not present, then why bother?

People learn that, if the person they are talking to isn’t “present,” then why bother with the communication at all? The other person is not really hearing or processing what is being said.

Every boss suffers from it

Always too much to do, and too little time in which to do it. At times, we just check the box. All too often, that includes our coaching interaction.

Then it comes to coaching, you might as well pass

A true imperative of coaching is that the coach be present. If the rest of your life is just too chaotic for you to be present, consider rescheduling. It beats wasting time and prevents the accidental creation of a negative story about you. Remember the devil of “automatic assignment of negative intent.” (Automatic assignment of negative intent is the automatic and usually, unconscious assignment of a negative intention to another person’s most often neutral or impersonal action. An example would be when a person cuts you off on the freeway. There likely was no true negative intent even though we are tempted to react as though there were. Not being present feels like a personal insult to others; it makes them feel like their interaction is not as important as other things to you.)

A simple key

I coach top performers all over the world, by phone. I always move away from my computer and any other distractions. Consider doing something like that, whether you’re interacting in person or on the phone.

Getting yourself complete

The greatest single reason we go into a coaching session and are not present, is the same reason that coachees might not be present: they are incomplete. While you can help coachees get complete, you may also have to help yourself accomplish this, prior to the start of the coaching session.

A simple way to get complete

I have found that just writing out everything that is on my mind is one simple way to get complete enough to coach, even on the most difficult day. You probably have some other strategies and tactics that work for you. The key is to get complete and be as present as possible.

Being present

Effective results from coaching depend on it. If you can’t really be present, you might be better off rescheduling.

Putting the 17 pitfalls in context

Performance leadership is the combination of leadership and coaching. Leadership establishes what we call an opportunity gap between today, and what we desire at some time in the future. Coaching is the art of getting, and keeping, people in innovative action to fill that gap.

Easy to say, and often wickedly hard to do, in real life.

Avoiding the 17 pitfalls

Coaching, in our opinion, is a key skill in achieving performance in any organization. Developing the skills to avoid the 17 pitfalls of coaching is a vital ability for leaders in high-performance organizations.

The 17 Pitfalls of Coaching
1. Not establishing what’s so.
2. Not asking “What’s possibly missing.”
3. Not operating out of the coachee’s occurring.
4. Attempting to coach into no demand.
5. Giving advice versus asking questions.
6. Making the session’s purpose to advance the coach versus the coachee.
7. Not understanding what makes coachees perform.
8. Not being in dialogue.
9. Not using generative language.
10. Not asking the “Do you think you can?” question.
11. Not asking “What does that make possible?”
12. Not being present.
13. Not using the conversation wheel.
14. Coaching the story.
15. Drifting into solution instead of focusing on action.
16. Getting lost in knowledge instead of action.
17. Not helping the coachee gain distinctions.

Dangerous assumptions
Asking, “What does that make possible?” helps you avoid the perils of making an assumption about the motives driving an action, and reaching clarity. Often the answer will be something you hadn’t seen coming. This clarity can be very powerful in your quest to operate from the coachee’s point of view (their occurring.)
Often, it’s not just you who gets clear
Often, coaches are not clear on the motivation for an action, at a conscious level, until someone asks the question, “What does that make possible.” You can see it in their faces. It’s a revelation to them, too.
The ham-handed alternative
At times, you might hear of a proposed action from a person you are coaching that seems like the dumbest thing in the world. At times, I am tempted to ask, “Why in the world would you want to do that?” This little beauty is practically guaranteed to compromise the relationship and get a “safe” answer that doesn’t move things forward.
When a proposed action seems illogical (read dumb)
Having the coach ask, “What does that make possible?” when a seemingly illogical action is proposed, will give the coachee a face-saving way to work out the logic, help the coach keep the relationship intact, and give the coachee the freedom to safely choose an alternative action.
Keeps the emotional overhead to a minimum
“What does that make possible?” not only helps the coachee think things through more clearly, but also keeps the emotional overhead of interacting with the boss to a minimum. “What does that make possible?” feels safe all around. Safe is a great foundation for innovative action.
The everyday tool
“What does that make possible?” can be used any time you are trying to check the linkage between action and an opportunity gap in a way that keeps the relationship intact.

Putting the 17 pitfalls in context

Performance leadership is the combination of leadership and coaching. Leadership establishes what we call an opportunity gap between today, and what we desire at some time in the future. Coaching is the art of getting, and keeping, people in innovative action to fill that gap.

Easy to say, and often wickedly hard to do, in real life.

Avoiding the 17 pitfalls

Coaching, in our opinion, is a key skill in achieving performance in any organization. Developing the skills to avoid the 17 pitfalls of coaching is a vital ability for leaders in high-performance organizations.

The 17 Pitfalls of Coaching
1. Not establishing what’s so.
2. Not asking “What’s possibly missing.”
3. Not operating out of the coachee’s occurring.
4. Attempting to coach into no demand.
5. Giving advice versus asking questions.
6. Making the session’s purpose to advance the coach versus the coachee.
7. Not understanding what makes coachees perform.
8. Not being in dialogue.
9. Not using generative language.
10. Not asking the “Do you think you can?” question.
11. Not asking “What does that make possible?”
12. Not being present.
13. Not using the conversation wheel.
14. Coaching the story.
15. Drifting into solution instead of focusing on action.
16. Getting lost in knowledge instead of action.
17. Not helping the coachee gain distinctions.

It’s all about action

Internal conversations can go on forever, or so it seems, if something doesn’t tip them over to action. Businesses run on accomplished outcomes; not conversation, in my observation.

Coaching conversations can be the worst

Coaching conversations seem to park at the polar extremes: Everyone basks in the warmth of good rapport, or the party in authority ends up “telling” the person being coached what he or she has to do.

You both want — and need — results

Both of you know where the coachee wants to go. You both understand where the coachee is today. Now you need to close that gap. The coachee may not see the next step, and you are dying to say, “Here is what I want you to do.”

The alternative is to ask the question

Using what you see, you can now simply say, “Do you think you can_______________?” Asking the question keeps coachees in choice and dramatically reduces the chance that you will lose them to their internal conversations.

Internal conversations that are loaded with emotion derail velocity

Remember, you want to keep them looking forward, as much as possible, and reduce any chance of kicking off an emotional reaction. Keeping people in choice is a powerful way to do this.

Asking the question has another powerful dimension

When you ask, “Do you think you can_______________?” you also tap into the subject’s creativity. You will often give her or him the chance to build on your question, and that could help the person arrive at a better next action than you might have come up with from your perspective, alone.

The master advantage

While each of the previously mentioned points on the 17 pitfalls of coaching list is important, none is as important or easy to use, in my opinion, as the power of “Do you think you can_______________?” to simply get people to take action.

The everyday tool

“Do you think you can_______________?” can be used any time someone is stuck or otherwise not in action.

Get’s action without the downsides of telling

Not only does “Do you think you can_______________?” get action without the downside of telling, it gently trains the person to seek what might be “possibly missing” to move ahead on his or her own, increasingly more often without needing to rely on you.

Try it, you’ll like it

Consider trying out “Do you think you can_______________?” I would ask you to give it quite a few attempts, at first, before you judge its impact. Initially, it may not sound right to your ear. After some time and positive experiences, your ear will adjust.

Your results might adjust upward as well

I coach many highly-accomplished people into achieving dramatically better performance. I consistently use “Do you think you can_______________?” Sooner or later, they observe that I never “tell” them what to do. I used to “tell.” Once I started asking my clients the question, their performance jumped. Now I almost never tell.

If execution and performance are what you want

You will have to look long and hard, in my observation, to find a tool that beats “Do you think you can_______________?”

Putting the 17 pitfalls in context

Performance leadership is the combination of leadership and coaching. Leadership establishes what we call an opportunity gap between today, and what we desire at some time in the future. Coaching is the art of getting, and keeping, people in innovative action to fill that gap.

Easy to say, and often wickedly hard to do, in real life.

Avoiding the 17 pitfalls

Coaching, in our opinion, is a key skill in achieving performance in any organization. Developing the skills to avoid the 17 pitfalls of coaching is a vital ability for leaders in high-performance organizations.

The 17 Pitfalls of Coaching
1. Not establishing what’s so.
2. Not asking “What’s possibly missing.”
3. Not operating out of the coachee’s occurring.
4. Attempting to coach into no demand.
5. Giving advice versus asking questions.
6. Making the session’s purpose to advance the coach versus the coachee.
7. Not understanding what makes coachees perform.
8. Not being in dialogue.
9. Not using generative language.
10. Not asking the “Do you think you can?” question.
11. Not asking “What does that make possible?”
12. Not being present.
13. Not using the conversation wheel.
14. Coaching the story.
15. Drifting into solution instead of focusing on action.
16. Getting lost in knowledge instead of action.
17. Not helping the coachee gain distinctions.

Pinball machine

Most conversations between boss and employee have a lot in common with a steel ball bouncing around in a pinball machine: The boss says something and unknowingly triggers an emotional reaction in the mind and emotions of the employee. The employee says something and unknowingly triggers an emotional reaction in the mind and emotions of the boss.

Frames

We all develop frames, or pictures, in our minds, of how things should be. When things don’t line up with the way we expect them to be, we react a little or a lot. For many, turkey at Thanksgiving is an assumed rule of the universe. If you suggest that someone is going to have pancakes for Thanksgiving, against his will, you are likely to get an emotional reaction.

Human defaults

State an opinion as though it were a fact and watch facial reactions. Whether they say anything or not, people react to this in a universally negative fashion, in our observation.

Downside

Whatever the source, when your speech causes people to react emotionally, they slow down or stop listening to you. Instead, they begin listening to their internal conversations about you, and what you just said.

Impact on coaching

When you kick off these emotional reactions in the coaching process, you often slow or stop your forward momentum. Often the person being coached stops being present, and your words go partially, or completely, unheard.

How to avoid the tripwires and land mines in communication

Life in a communications pinball machine could be pretty depressing. Fortunately there is a way out. The path out of the pinball machine is paved with generative language. If you consistently use generative language, it is very hard to ring the emotional bells in the pinball machine. If the bells aren’t ringing, your words are being heard and coaching can be very productive.

OK, so what are they?

We cover these generative words and conversations in our Enhancing Organizational Performance and Leadership, and in our Coaching Leadership Development programs in great depth:

Who doesn’t like choice?

An example of using generative language is simply being rigorous about always leaving people choices. In the context of coaching, that usually means that you never tell the person what to do specifically, but deal in dialogue about possible choices.

Another example

Instead of saying there are things missing from a situation, you would say, “What’s possibly missing?”

Listening

Coaching with generative language keeps people in the dialogue. It also keeps them listening to your words, instead of to their internal conversations about your words.

Action to take

Consider getting the agreement of the people you coach to record some of the sessions. Listen to see if you are keeping people in choice, discussing what is possible, and giving acknowledgement. If you are, great. If you are not, consider that you might be able to further enhance your level of coaching mastery and your coaching results through greater use of generative language.

Putting the 17 pitfalls in context

Performance leadership is the combination of leadership and coaching. Leadership establishes what we call an opportunity gap between today, and what we desire at some time in the future. Coaching is the art of getting, and keeping, people in innovative action to fill that gap.

Easy to say, and often wickedly hard to do, in real life.

Avoiding the 17 pitfalls

Coaching, in our opinion, is a key skill in achieving performance in any organization. Developing the skills to avoid the 17 pitfalls of coaching is a vital ability for leaders in high-performance organizations.

The 17 Pitfalls of Coaching
1. Not establishing what’s so.
2. Not asking “What’s possibly missing.”
3. Not operating out of the coachee’s occurring.
4. Attempting to coach into no demand.
5. Giving advice versus asking questions.
6. Making the session’s purpose to advance the coach versus the coachee.
7. Not understanding what makes coachees perform.
8. Not being in dialogue.
9. Not using generative language.
10. Not asking the “Do you think you can?” question.
11. Not asking “What does that make possible?”
12. Not being present.
13. Not using the conversation wheel.
14. Coaching the story.
15. Drifting into solution instead of focusing on action.
16. Getting lost in knowledge instead of action.
17. Not helping the coachee gain distinctions.

Dialogue versus Discussion

The online dictionary, www.dictionary.com, defines dialogue as: an exchange of ideas or opinions on a particular issue, esp. a political or religious issue, with a view to reaching an amicable agreement or settlement. The dictionary also defines discussion as: informal debate.

What is the goal? Win? Or advance?

In our view, people want to win debates. One side takes all. By contrast, a dialogue is an exchange of ideas and observations in which an amicable agreement is reached. Neither party necessarily wins.

Power play

Here is the rub: whatever you want to call it, most interaction between managers and subordinates has the boss at, some level, using his or her power to advance their view of the situation. This does not advance the mission of coaching.

Volunteered gold

When the boss is not in true dialogue with the person being coached, relevant information is often not volunteered, the encounter is largely one way, and subordinates are further confirmed in their latent suspicion that the boss just wants to be right about his view of the situation.

Default is discussion

Most leaders and managers think of themselves as good-to-excellent coaches. After we put some of their coaching sessions on video tape, most realize that what has been happening has been coaching in name only. The leader or manager has just been telling the subordinate what to do instead of coaching for performance.

The knowing – doing gap bites hard

The gap occurs because discussion, or telling-what-to-do, is the human default in the workplace, between manager and subordinate. The tough thing here is that knowing what to do, and actually doing it, are many miles apart. Until you have the distinctions that let you know when you are in discussion — as opposed to coaching — it is likely that most of your “coaching” sessions will actually be “telling” sessions.

The keys to closing the knowing – doing gap are…

…coaching distinctions. In our experience, these critical distinctions are gained only through experience. To get experience, you must make mistakes. The key to making the mistakes that are necessary for getting the distinctions required for mastery, is to get into action. The way to get into action is simply to start coaching.

Let me know how that works for you

As regards improvement in performance: When telling is used, rather than coaching, I usually simply say, “Let me know how that works out for you.” The manager who coaches will usually dramatically outperform the manager who tells.

You have to establish a pattern

When you start to coach, you will likely be operating from a history of telling your folks what to do, rather than coaching. At first, they will interact with you as though you are still telling.

Harvest the windfall

Give it time. Each session in which you resist telling and are really in dialogue, will be another nail in the coffin of telling while coaching. As your pattern of being in dialogue is established and your employee’s begin to trust the pattern, you will begin to harvest the windfall of being in a real dialogue.

More of what you want, if you can be just a little patient

The windfall is more information, better ideas, greater motivation, less hassle, better decisions, and a growing sense of purpose with the individuals and the team.

What has you say that?

One way of not reverting to a discussion in a coaching dialogue, is the use of the question, “What has you say that?” Sometimes, the subordinate says something that just begs to be “set right” by a little telling from you.

Step on it, not in it

If you can step on this urge, and simply ask, “What has you say that?” you will often learn the perspective of the other person. You can then work from that perspective to gain a degree of alignment that could not have otherwise been achieved. Try it, you’ll like it.

Suppress the “right,” rather than the “powerful” tendency

Regularly using the “What has you say that?” question, is often a way that the leader or manager can be powerful (moving things forward) instead of succumbing to the desire to simply be right.

Are you ready to stop gambling?

We all operate under the immense power of the human need to be right, rather than powerful. Being right is so easy and so rewarding to most leaders and managers. The downside is that being right is usually just like gambling: you might win, but you wouldn’t be wise to count on it.

Getting beyond the win of being right

Using the question, “What has you say that?” will help you understand the perspective of the people being coached. You can then ask your coachees a few questions and let them work themselves into greater clarity. Often, you can proceed with full trust intact and, at a minimum, get the end result you wanted. You might even get a new perspective that takes you well beyond what being right would have gotten you.

Putting the 17 pitfalls in context

Performance leadership is the combination of leadership and coaching. Leadership establishes what we call an opportunity gap between today, and what we desire at some time in the future. Coaching is the art of getting, and keeping, people in innovative action to fill that gap.

Easy to say, and often wickedly hard to do, in real life.

Avoiding the 17 pitfalls

Coaching, in our opinion, is a key skill in achieving performance in any organization. Developing the skills to avoid the 17 pitfalls of coaching is a vital ability for leaders in high-performance organizations.

The 17 Pitfalls of Coaching
1. Not establishing what’s so.
2. Not asking “What’s possibly missing.”
3. Not operating out of the coachee’s occurring.
4. Attempting to coach into no demand.
5. Giving advice versus asking questions.
6. Making the session’s purpose to advance the coach versus the coachee.
7. Not understanding what makes coachees perform.
8. Not being in dialogue.
9. Not using generative language.
10. Not asking the “Do you think you can?” question.
11. Not asking “What does that make possible?”
12. Not being present.
13. Not using the conversation wheel.
14. Coaching the story.
15. Drifting into solution instead of focusing on action.
16. Getting lost in knowledge instead of action.
17. Not helping the coachee gain distinctions.